UK smut-makers will be bound by a new set of rules that bans some forms of sexual behavior – but only when viewed from servers in Blighty.

The new regulations from the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) were written into the Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 and came into effect Monday.

From now on, smut-streaming services in the UK will have to follow the same guidelines as DVDs sold in adult stores across the Queen's realm, which means certain things are out of the question.

For a start, the BBFC wants no activities that it classes as "life threatening." These include strangulation, fisting, and face-sitting, although it could be argued the latter would require a morbidly obese performer to be truly life-threatening.

Also on the too-naughty-for-Brits list is spanking, aggressive whipping, and caning. Yes, caning. Which is somewhat odd since such activities are known across the English Channel as 'Le vice anglais', and some parents still pay an awful lot of money to send their offspring to boarding schools where such practices are common.

Rather bizarrely, female ejaculation is being suppressed while it is still fine to show it when done by men. Watersports, violent penetration with foreign objects, and abusive language are on the banned list, although the BBFC says that in the latter case it may not go hard on producers so long as the pornography is clearly roleplaying.

The new regulations affect pornography produced and streamed within UK borders, so the vast torrent of filth from overseas will remain legal and freely available for one-handed viewers. That's not to say the smut-phobic UK government won’t try and ban that in the future. ®