"Badger, mushroom, snake", as the evil propaganda tool has been termed by high-ranking intelligence officials, is being taken very seriously. Soon after people were exposed to it, they have been known to walk about the streets muttering "badger badger badger badger..." and jerking their arms up and down. Psychiatric wards are overflowing. Suicide rates have tripled over the last few days, most of the suicide notes saying things like "This was the only way I could get the tune out of my head". A third of American women report that their sex life has tanked recently, whereas incidents of non-consensual bestiality are reported to be on the rise.

Evidence has been found that this is being perpetrated by Al-Qaida. The terror alert has been upped a notch, and the president will shortly take emergency measures to counter it... as soon as we can drag him away from his computer."